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That's a pretty pink piece of paper you're using for the shopping list Daddy, what's that writing on the back? Oh, nothing honey, it's just a flyer advertising the new Office health club. Are you sure you want me to get those cheese-filled hot dogs? Weren't they recently recalled? No Daddy, that was the cheese filled chicken nuggets. Put those down too. Why aren't you joining that Office health club? You used to lift weights, run and ride your bike all the time back before you got fat. I'm not fat. This is just how people look when they enter middle age. It's just that the idea seeing some of the people I work with wearing spandex kind of scares me. So you mean you're not joining because you're embarrassed if people see you in shorts and a T-shirt? Mr. McConnel down the street runs every day in shorts and a T-shirt and he isn't fat. Mom says he looks like he's in really good shape. Does she really? Well, it's probably easy to find the time to run when you're unemployed. But when Tower Bell kingpins and their cronies are constantly nagging you to come up with a column, and I don't mean just on e-mail, but even on your voice mail too, and add that to the endless, ceaseless drumbeat of the constant, never-ending production requirements... Don't be bitter Daddy, you're just no fun when you're overworked and grumpy. Well, get used to it kid. Being overworked and grumpy is my new life. Ever wonder how you could make your own beautiful black and white photographic prints? Not at all, Daddy. Well then listen up. If you're fed up with the gray "drug store prints" you get from run-of-the-mill film processing, and you're craving that Ansel Adams/Edward Weston look that you know your artistically brilliant black and white negatives should produce, the answer is very simple. You've got to make your own photographic prints. And it's really not too hard. The problem is that automated film processing systems are set up to produce a low contrast print. This works real well with color prints because color prints don't need a lot of contrast. The different colors provide the contrast. A red apple on a green leaf looks just fine in a color print because the apple and the leaf are easily distinguishable; the apple is red, the leaf is green. In a black and white print, unless you've thought about it beforehand and exposed your negative properly, a low contrast print of an apple on a leaf looks like a gray blob. What you want is either a dark, almost black apple on a bed of lighter gray leaves; or maybe black leaves under a lighter colored apple. It's up to you. These two prints will be completely different, and which one is "best" will be determined entirely by what it is you were thinking when you took the picture. That's the beauty of black and white. To make your own prints you need an enlarger. Big bucks, but I found a used Besslar 23C for $100. Before that I had a Rolli which I got used for $60 (and sold for $75 a year later). If you look around, check the camera shops and the classified ads, you'll probably find a deal sooner or later. You'll also want an easel to hold the photographic paper, three or more trays 8x10 or larger, a safelight or red light bulb, and a thermometer. You'll also want some paper. For your first time, buy some RC (resin coated) paper. It's the easiest to work with. Later, you should try some of the fiber based papers. Put a negative in the enlarger and focus on the easel until it's sharp. Now you have to determine how long to expose the paper to make the perfect print. One easy way to do that is to use the trial and error method: cut pieces of photo paper into strips (under the safelight), put a strip in the easel and turn on the enlarger exposing the strip for say 5 seconds. Use a piece of cardboard to block the light hitting the strip for a couple inches and expose for 2 more seconds, move the cardboard so that it covers a couple more inches and expose for 2 more seconds, and so on, so that you end up with a strip exposed for 5, 7, 9, 11, 13 and 15 seconds. Develop, and determine which little section looks best, then expose a full sheet for that time. How do you develop? Piece of cake. In your first tray you will have mixed some paper developer like Kodak Dektol and diluted it about 1:3 with water. It will be at 68 degrees. This is somewhat critical, hence the thermometer. This is what actually develops the print. Develop your print for a minute and a half using gentle agitation to ensure fresh developer is in contact with the surface of the paper. In your second tray will be a stop bath. This stops the action of the developer. Indicator stop is OK, it turns purple under a safelight to show you when it's exhausted. But if you're cheap like me, you'll get some glacial acetic acid and dilute the hell out of it per the directions. A pint will last you the rest of your life. Time is not critical for the stop bath, but leave it there longer than 30 seconds. The third tray will contain a fixer like Edwal's or Kodak's Rapid Fix. This makes the paper no longer sensitive to light and allows you to turn on the lights at some point. Fix for 5 to 10 minutes depending on the fixer with occasional agitation, then rinse in plain water. Although not necessary, you should use a hypo clearing agent to neutralize the fixer, or in 2 years or so the prints might start to turn brown. Then you wash and wash and wash in plain water. For your amazingly cool prints, you should use a selenium toner to slightly deepen the blacks, and give the print a very slight purple cast. Making your own photographic prints is a very satisfying thing to do for those of you with too much time on your hands, a little too much money in the bank, and not enough to do in your lives. In case you haven’t noticed, this article is a bit sketchy on the details. If you really want to make your own prints, you should get a book from the library such as Upton & Upton's "Photography," or Ansel Adam's "The Print," or about a million others. Or better yet, you could talk to the office photographers Laura Smith, or Harold Lee, or give ex-examining attorney Tony Lupo a call over at Arant & Fox, and say "hi" for me. This is all real interesting daddy, but when was the last time you made pictures? It must have been a long time before I was born because all of your pictures are of Brian, there don’t seem to any of me or Pat. Besides, isn’t your enlarger way back in the dark corner of the basement, behind the exercise equipment you never use, and those woodworking tools that you were going to use to make all that great furniture? That stuff is all covered with old coats and junk. Let’s get it out and make some pictures! Well, we could, but we’ve got to go get those cheese-filled chicken nuggets. And how about a box of those Little Debbie spice cakes you love so much?
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